Wishing I could see and do it all.
I remember when I was younger, I used to have a goal to read every book in the whole world. Ha, if only! I have aspirations to set foot on every continent, finish my United States lifemap, swim in every ocean (ok, put a finger in the Arctic), and lots of other laundry lists of things I have grand plans to do before I die.
I'm looking at this future of mine (ok, it's being shoved down my throat) and trying to find time, money, resources, and places to live out everything I still want to accomplish (and the things I don't even know I want to accomplish yet) with my life. Yeah, I'm young. Sure, I'll be a doctor at age 25. I'll also be highly attached to my family, yet highly ready to get out of Michigan, and regardless, highly in debt. I'm ALSO highly indecisive about what I even want to do... which, when I'm feeling inspired, I like to think of as a merit, not a liability... but you understand, non-existant reader of my blog, don't you? ;)
Really, even just trying to weigh things like spending the summer doing some kind of travelling or unique experience in vet med (or a luscious combo of both) versus staying more conservative but making money - instead of spending it like it's going out of style - is taxing to me at the moment. I'd really like to be the one who comes back and has 'the coolest' summer experience out of anyone I know. (Why do I care what other people think? good question, but a topic for another post.) But figuring out what will serve me better in the long run makes me LONG for a time machine. Just to check up on the me in the future and to find out that no matter what I end up doing I'll be able to make sure I'm happy and healthy.
It reminds me a couple of parts of one of my favorite episodes of X-Files (yes, shoutout to XF...), "all things," written and directed by Gillian Anderson:
~
SCULLY: Mulder... Look, we're always running. We're always chasing the next big thing. Why don't you ever just stay still?
MULDER: I wouldn't know what I'd be missing.
~
MULDER: What is it?
SCULLY: I once considered spending my whole life with this man. What I would have missed.
MULDER: I don't think you can know. I mean, how many different lives would we be leading if we made different choices. We... We don't know.
SCULLY: What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to.
MULDER: Mmm. And all the... choices would then lead to this very moment. One wrong turn, and... we wouldn't be sitting here together. Well, that says a lot. That says a lot, a lot, a lot. That's probably more than we should be getting into at this late hour.
* (thanks to insidethex.co.uk for transcripts since I don't still know lines off the top of my head)
So I guess I'm just stuck with not knowing what to do about my destiny. Is this normal? Should I be more in the 45 year old range to be thinking about my impact on the world? Mid-life crisis come too soon? About to go out and buy a fire engine red Ferrari? (hopefully not- that would be thirteen ways of bad...) I just want to know, now that things are getting "full stakes," that I'm making the right choices. I don't want regrets. I don't want to have to do do-overs. I don't want to look back and wish that I hadn't made a choice for the wrong reasons. And it all seems so life or death at some points, and people I know already have careers and are starting families and maybe that's why I feel so pressed to make the right choice because I'm already behind in that game (not that I want to be ahead- if I get married at 28 and have my first baby at 30, that's a-ok with me).
All in all, I'm sure it's just a passing moment soon to be gone, and maybe it's just something people go through at this time of their life or stage of their education or phase of their personality or ... whatever, but I feel like it's making my very low blood pressure rise to almost normal levels. That will just not do. ;)
I'm sure I'm just not used to thinking of things as contained and finite. I know that everything really will work out alright, because I have so many great people around me to support me and steer me in the right direction if things get shaky. I just don't want them to- I don't want them to get shaky and I don't want people to have to help me out. Everything has come pretty easily to me, just by being, just by being me, and I think if it were ever really really difficult I might think that's not the right path.... but the path of least resistance isn't the one I want to be on, at least not when I think of it that way, so then I suppose that's where the confusion creeps in and congeals into anxiety.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not actually tearing up over this and it's not constantly wracking my brain, but it floats through my mind from time to time when I'm considering things in the future or am asked about it... and that's enough to stir me up (and those stirrings are what this blog is made of, like everyone else's, haha). I suppose hindsight will always be 20/20 no matter what I do. No way to know about something unless you jump in and try it and then you have to deal with the consequences in the future. Probably would be easier to do if you weren't aware of it...
please, slow it down
there's a secret magic password that you only notice when you're looking back at it
and all you wanna do is turn around
-Rocky Votolato, 'White Daisy Passing'
L.
currently listening: funnyman- kt tunstall
beatiful mistake- better than ezra
for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti- sufjan stevens
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
the way I are
Loooooong T-giving weekend was genius. Many thanks for the pilgrims, even in the wake of knowing what they did to the indiginous peoples of N. America and the wasteful and consumeristic culture they began for our country... but I digress. Nevertheless feasting and resting for some odd days is ALWAYS a good one in my book.
Except when in the aftermath of being unproductive we forget how to kick it back in gear and dig in... like, say... now.
So pretty much I've been sitting on my bed among the things I carried back from the long weekend home, doing anything BUT study for the pharmacology exam on Tuesday (which was also not touched over the weekend, either)- I have no real impetus to do well, aside from I need to get a 2 pt to keep a 2 pt, but that's not that inspirational of a goal, as you might imagine...
And so really, have I studied one ounce going into the day before the exam? no. Do I even know what topics are covered on this unit? not really. Do I seem to be panicking about it? Obviously not. Like I said, the way I are. Calm even when I shouldn't be. One day I'll die in a fire because 'it's no big deal'... sigh.
But while I've been lounging and procrastinating, I found myself contemplating a thought or a concept or a bit of wonder that I've previously stewed in my mindpot, starting back in high school - I remember an encounter with a stranger in the bathroom at MHS, which I'm pretty sure stirred the thought out of thin air and into my head...) - themes of compatibility. And not only on basic 'opposities attract?' mentalities or chinese zodiac menus (though that's interesting, too...), but rather how first impressions work in the brain and connect to the emotions and response. Visuals, of course, but things like gut instincts are in there too; and then progession along or against what you expect out of another person and how that fits in with your paradigm of life and how you live it (ok that might be a bit broad, but I think you know what I mean.) What is it that triggers that sense of compatibility in you when you meet someone? When you aren't even sure of anything about them except that they're before you? (Or, in this world of messengers and online chat and matchmaking services, how do profiles and first e-impressions hit the brain? How do the differ from meeting in real life?)
I've always wondered if it's something primal that we haven't yet evolved out of with our technology and culturing of the race into a 'formal' society... pheromones or MHC complexes or facial cues or any of a million other hormonally-derived circuits our bodies have without us ever being fully aware of them. Is it really scent or sight or any number of these subtle things that give me a sense of comfort around certain individuals and a sense of... put-off-edness, disgust, or general incompatibility- "that woman's a bitch" - with someone else? And do they [the internal signals] always match? (I mean, I'm assuming not...) But is my body's sense of compatibility in tune with the others, or everyone else, for that matter? Do we both feel the same thing when we approach or introduce one another? Are those that 'don't get the hint' those with faulty systems? What a fascinating, but absolutely impossible, line of research or just mystery of nature in general.
And off of that line, in a more theoretical line, anecdotal- I don't mean to put these things in relationship terms only, because I think they definitely apply to friendship, commensalism, and teamwork of many types, but what makes these things turn around? Why do they fail when something starts to turn sour? I mean by this, how can things go really well, all the signals or cues start off great, and then something unexpected- the curveball, if you will - comes out and is the dealbreaker and no possible amount of past compatibility could reverse it. I guess what I really mean is how does that 'calibration' fluctuate? Of course, we don't know everything about a person when we decide to enter a relationship with them- we can't tell that they have a dysfunctional family of epic proportions or like to clip their toenails on the couch or are actually a Republican (haha), or any number of other inane things that make you go "ooh..." - but we, optimists (or at least me), like to think that there couldn't possibly be those secret closet things hiding at the onset. Is that the intersect of two responses we have engrained which, together, work to our disadvantage? And is it ok for it to be that way in the long run because we're supposed to use our adaptability to get past the bumps in the road? Is the ideal relationship one that continues to be more and more fulfilling? Only grows exponentially and doesn't fluctuate like this? Is there such a thing that isn't just written into a tragically beautiful love song? Obviously no clear answer on that one. Just asking for hypothetical's sake.
Furthermore, I like to think I can get a pretty good read of people (must be all that people watching I take up in my spare time... loooove it) just by looking at them, watching some behaviors, and most of all, looking into their eyes- even in pictures. Are they a sharp intellect, a warm heart? I tend to believe I can get a relatively accurate lay of it just by observation. (aside from sexuality... my gaydar is HORRIFIC- working on it all the time, people...) Anyway, where does that fit into all of this? Am I (Are we) really just creating a presumtion of someone as we see them and pick up cues we identify with certain traits, as they do the same with us, and then choosing to take their actions and opinions to fit within that outline of who they are? Is THAT where we get into trouble? Is it all memory-based, experiential? If someone were raised among rosy-cheeked invidividuals who were neurotic anarchists, would their first impression of a flushed stranger be influenced as such- would they assume them to have a scatterbrained anti-establishment spirit about them? And how much can we break these preconcieved notions by being presented with evidence to the contrary? ...Sounds kind of like stereotypes and racism, no? Realistically, could be a reason these sorts of things persist even when we're taught that they ought not...
Anyway, don't mean to waterlog the first real post with a lot of psychobabble, especially as a 'hard' scientist, haha, but this is the kind of thing my mind gets going on (maybe as a release from memorizing dictionaries) when it's ready to work but not on the task at hand. We'll see if anything comes of it, but I think that the roots of this thought are pretty deep and I'll be revisiting it again and again from different angles for a long time to come. Guess I'll have to invest in some pheromones and see what happens... am I right? ;)
here's looking at you, kid,
L
currently listening:
Happy As I Am- Peter Mulvey
Desperately Wanting- Better Than Ezra
Guyamas Sonora- Beirut
Except when in the aftermath of being unproductive we forget how to kick it back in gear and dig in... like, say... now.
So pretty much I've been sitting on my bed among the things I carried back from the long weekend home, doing anything BUT study for the pharmacology exam on Tuesday (which was also not touched over the weekend, either)- I have no real impetus to do well, aside from I need to get a 2 pt to keep a 2 pt, but that's not that inspirational of a goal, as you might imagine...
And so really, have I studied one ounce going into the day before the exam? no. Do I even know what topics are covered on this unit? not really. Do I seem to be panicking about it? Obviously not. Like I said, the way I are. Calm even when I shouldn't be. One day I'll die in a fire because 'it's no big deal'... sigh.
But while I've been lounging and procrastinating, I found myself contemplating a thought or a concept or a bit of wonder that I've previously stewed in my mindpot, starting back in high school - I remember an encounter with a stranger in the bathroom at MHS, which I'm pretty sure stirred the thought out of thin air and into my head...) - themes of compatibility. And not only on basic 'opposities attract?' mentalities or chinese zodiac menus (though that's interesting, too...), but rather how first impressions work in the brain and connect to the emotions and response. Visuals, of course, but things like gut instincts are in there too; and then progession along or against what you expect out of another person and how that fits in with your paradigm of life and how you live it (ok that might be a bit broad, but I think you know what I mean.) What is it that triggers that sense of compatibility in you when you meet someone? When you aren't even sure of anything about them except that they're before you? (Or, in this world of messengers and online chat and matchmaking services, how do profiles and first e-impressions hit the brain? How do the differ from meeting in real life?)
I've always wondered if it's something primal that we haven't yet evolved out of with our technology and culturing of the race into a 'formal' society... pheromones or MHC complexes or facial cues or any of a million other hormonally-derived circuits our bodies have without us ever being fully aware of them. Is it really scent or sight or any number of these subtle things that give me a sense of comfort around certain individuals and a sense of... put-off-edness, disgust, or general incompatibility- "that woman's a bitch" - with someone else? And do they [the internal signals] always match? (I mean, I'm assuming not...) But is my body's sense of compatibility in tune with the others, or everyone else, for that matter? Do we both feel the same thing when we approach or introduce one another? Are those that 'don't get the hint' those with faulty systems? What a fascinating, but absolutely impossible, line of research or just mystery of nature in general.
And off of that line, in a more theoretical line, anecdotal- I don't mean to put these things in relationship terms only, because I think they definitely apply to friendship, commensalism, and teamwork of many types, but what makes these things turn around? Why do they fail when something starts to turn sour? I mean by this, how can things go really well, all the signals or cues start off great, and then something unexpected- the curveball, if you will - comes out and is the dealbreaker and no possible amount of past compatibility could reverse it. I guess what I really mean is how does that 'calibration' fluctuate? Of course, we don't know everything about a person when we decide to enter a relationship with them- we can't tell that they have a dysfunctional family of epic proportions or like to clip their toenails on the couch or are actually a Republican (haha), or any number of other inane things that make you go "ooh..." - but we, optimists (or at least me), like to think that there couldn't possibly be those secret closet things hiding at the onset. Is that the intersect of two responses we have engrained which, together, work to our disadvantage? And is it ok for it to be that way in the long run because we're supposed to use our adaptability to get past the bumps in the road? Is the ideal relationship one that continues to be more and more fulfilling? Only grows exponentially and doesn't fluctuate like this? Is there such a thing that isn't just written into a tragically beautiful love song? Obviously no clear answer on that one. Just asking for hypothetical's sake.
Furthermore, I like to think I can get a pretty good read of people (must be all that people watching I take up in my spare time... loooove it) just by looking at them, watching some behaviors, and most of all, looking into their eyes- even in pictures. Are they a sharp intellect, a warm heart? I tend to believe I can get a relatively accurate lay of it just by observation. (aside from sexuality... my gaydar is HORRIFIC- working on it all the time, people...) Anyway, where does that fit into all of this? Am I (Are we) really just creating a presumtion of someone as we see them and pick up cues we identify with certain traits, as they do the same with us, and then choosing to take their actions and opinions to fit within that outline of who they are? Is THAT where we get into trouble? Is it all memory-based, experiential? If someone were raised among rosy-cheeked invidividuals who were neurotic anarchists, would their first impression of a flushed stranger be influenced as such- would they assume them to have a scatterbrained anti-establishment spirit about them? And how much can we break these preconcieved notions by being presented with evidence to the contrary? ...Sounds kind of like stereotypes and racism, no? Realistically, could be a reason these sorts of things persist even when we're taught that they ought not...
Anyway, don't mean to waterlog the first real post with a lot of psychobabble, especially as a 'hard' scientist, haha, but this is the kind of thing my mind gets going on (maybe as a release from memorizing dictionaries) when it's ready to work but not on the task at hand. We'll see if anything comes of it, but I think that the roots of this thought are pretty deep and I'll be revisiting it again and again from different angles for a long time to come. Guess I'll have to invest in some pheromones and see what happens... am I right? ;)
here's looking at you, kid,
L
currently listening:
Happy As I Am- Peter Mulvey
Desperately Wanting- Better Than Ezra
Guyamas Sonora- Beirut
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
the start of something new
1) since blogging is the wave of the future,
2) because livejournal is really just not as good,
3) due to the fact that studying is a lot less exciting (though arguably more useful),
and
4) seeing as how I have so many interesting thoughts on the world, of which everyone ought take note,
I'm starting a new blog. YESSSS! (I know, I know, it's been highly anticipated and frankly, far overhyped by the media)
No great insights yet, but they are bound to come in due time- Hopefully while I'm in G150 and can type them out. That or maybe I'll get an iPhone one of these days and can write things and uplink them in real-time. Who wouldn't appreciate that kind of mind-to-web synchrony...?
Until that fateful day,
~L
currently listening: Moon River- ol' blue eyes
2) because livejournal is really just not as good,
3) due to the fact that studying is a lot less exciting (though arguably more useful),
and
4) seeing as how I have so many interesting thoughts on the world, of which everyone ought take note,
I'm starting a new blog. YESSSS! (I know, I know, it's been highly anticipated and frankly, far overhyped by the media)
No great insights yet, but they are bound to come in due time- Hopefully while I'm in G150 and can type them out. That or maybe I'll get an iPhone one of these days and can write things and uplink them in real-time. Who wouldn't appreciate that kind of mind-to-web synchrony...?
Until that fateful day,
~L
currently listening: Moon River- ol' blue eyes
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